Si Teban, Si Lario at Si Teka!

killing myself to sleep

2012-01-24T00:47:00.003+08:00

tonight, I never feel incomplete like this before. :(

I never know what will I do to move on from this feeling of loneliness tonight. Sometimes, I really wish you will be at my side, comfort me and let me realize that its just another ordinary day. It's hard to pretend that Im ok, when I know inside of me, there's something missing.

what I wanted was you just have to make me feel I was still a part of your everyday routine, no matter how far we are apart. I know Im beginning to be selfish for us, but I dont understand why I feel so alone lately. I cant put my mind at ease, I feel so bad.

I know I need to conclude this day of my life at the least and I pray tomorrow will be different.

I wish that sometimes you drop a goodnight kiss for me before ending your day. :(

Random music!

2011-09-12T20:40:00.000+08:00

night is young and the musics high
our roads are gonna cross again
i make my journey through eternity
in the sun i feel as one in the sun
i'm standing here until you make me move
at least i found out what it takes to be strong
i’m just out to find the better part of me
because tomorrow might be good for something
laughing about the way they want him to be
now it looks as though they`re here to stay
you came along and then the sun did shine
how much longer will it take to cure this
just to cure it cause i can't ignore it if it's love
so i looked up in the sky and i'm thinking why o why
you will think my love was really something good
when i'm all alone with the stars above
you can save me from the man i've become
so i say it in a breath hope my dreams will take me there
i've finally found my way to lead me down this lonely road
just close your eyes each loving day i know this feeling wont go away

Nothing much more happened today

2011-09-12T20:20:00.001+08:00

Aside from going to work, spending a lot of time staring at the computer thinking what to do first for the week, all I did was to find an inspiration for the day.

Which I failed.

Im waiting for something that, I know, will be a little impossible to happen.

Four strong winds that blow lonely,
Seven seas that run high,
All those things that don't change, Come what may.

Ako Man Ay Kulang

2011-08-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ako Man Ay Kulang
(2011.08.03)

ala Lilian Smith

Ang paghahanap

sa sulok ng mga hula at katotohanan;
sa maselang katayuan ng bukas sa pangarap;
sa kung saan napaghahalo ng sining ang pantasya at makasanglibutang bagay;
sa sandaling naging kahapon ang pananalig sa karunungan ng bukas;
sa pagbaba sa kapangyarihan alang alang sa karamihan;
sa pagliglig sa luma't mapait na karanasan at pagyukod naman sa pagbabago;
sa tugon sa mga tanong na kailan man hindi masasagot;
at sa taimtim na pagyakap sa walang katukuyan;
pati na ang di-buong kaalaman natin sa Maykapal

ay ang laong laan ng bawat isa,
sa aking palagay.

-Stephen Tequila

Hello World!

2011-07-22T21:59:00.002+08:00

I'll be back here in this sphere!

Back from Hiatus... hopefully

2011-05-27T20:23:00.000+08:00

After many moons of ups and downs in my life, hopefully, I can find some time again to post here.

I missed this time of my life where my only reason to stay or be online is to blog.. yep.. blog my heart out. I drafted so many post here in the past 2 years. I cant just click the publish button because, the feelings when I writing those drafts were gone.

alone again naturally

2010-10-23T02:17:00.000+08:00

I happen to find myself on a bus going to a distant land. When I arrived, I find everything is different around me except for one thing.

Im alone.

Here I am again, decided to walk along the remaining distance used to be another ride by a jeep. Nothing is new. I think, I will just walk off and then all the sadness in my heart will be gone. But that wouldn't work. Im still alone.

I never thought I will be like this again, longing for someone I never thought I will care for. Am I being missed too? Ouch, I said before I will never fall in love again. But then my heart starts beating again. Am I hopeless already?

After I did my business in this far away land, many things came to my mind. But when summarized, I hope it will be me and you in the end.

----------
I miss being missed dearly. :(

parang may kulang

2010-09-11T23:46:00.000+08:00

matagal na rin palang walang bagong post dito. pano ba naman, masyado maraming gustong gawin sa buhay...

hayz. nakakapagod ang isang araw kapag pakiramdam mo may kulang. dumaan ang maghapon, nagawa ang dapat gawin para mabuhay,.. kumain, matulog, tumulong sa bahay, tumambay, etc., pero may kulang.

nakakainis isipin, kung minsan may kasama ka pero hindi mo alam kung kasama ka nga nya.
kung minsan nakakalunos isipin na wala kang magagawang anuman sa isang bagay na tila nakatakda na sa hinaharap. ngunit mapangyayaring maiba kung may makakasama ka.

sana makilala mo ako bilang isang kasama mo.

You dont realize how much...

2010-04-09T10:58:00.002+08:00

I need you.

I dont really know why Im feeling so afraid and so weak this day. Its like wanting to see into the wind and feeling its teeth. :(

I saw birds fly and glide with the wind this morning, I found it enchanting though incomplete. As when strong winds came, they scattered.

I hope if we fly and turn against the air, you are with me even if its means landing backwards.

because I realize how much...

I need you.

-------------

Im going to find my girl, gonna hold her tight.
I will make it right, just need her say alright.
I will ring bells so to make us remember
That Im her boy and she's my girl.

Why laughing

2009-07-18T23:52:00.001+08:00

I dont know what to post here, I find it difficult for me to express what I feel or say my views in life nowadays.

I guess, being an ordinary guy these days is difficult. Trying to be normal, pretending to be something. I remember someone asked me if I ever got tired of starting my life over and over again. I was stunned after I heard it.

Honestly, I almost quit when I found myself making small steps again from a big fallback. Then, I ruined what I started. And then, I realized that Im back from where I started. Sigh.

I think, all my collegues laugh the first time they found out I have a blog like this; my emo moments. Love is my topic that's what they can conclude. I find it hard to agree.

Now Im just an ordinary guy looking for and dreaming for a place where I can relax, stay and forget where I came from.

im okay, ok?

2009-03-02T06:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes when you say

"im okay"

you want someone to look you in the eyes,
hug you tight and say

"i know you're not"

My own personal brand of heroin

2008-11-30T23:00:00.002+08:00

I arrived late as usual, but unlike in the past, I exerted effort not to be late. but then like in the past, sigh, time was always not with me. It always runs faster than normal, sprints harder than usual. sigh again.

And so we met secretly as it may seem but without doubt or worry that someone will find us. Ofcourse, we prepared escape routes and memorized lines in case others, be it he or she, caught us sharing time together. mmmmm. At least for me.

I found her trying a dress that's something new or maybe new in my eyes, she looked gorgeous when she tried it on, I can only smile because when I arrived at the scene I felt the saleslady on her side did a full antivirus scan on me. Is it a safe application? Is it malware or trojan? waaaa. I can only smile. And I like to answer, yes im safe (with a stiff tagalog tone) noh, and Im a compiler. So leave before I issue a critical error message, noh. hehehe.

As planned we go out to watch fireworks display. I think I only had few wows and awes when we are watching it. I admit I also watched her react to the booms and bangs. peace tayo. I never imagine I will be with her at this moment of my masochistic life. Its like a drug to me. Its like my own personal brand of heroin. naks. syempre katulad ng ibang nobela, kailangan mabanggit ang pamagat.

Then we bought movie tickets, shopped to the max (as in...) and stopped at wendy's to take out food we will devour, hahaha, at the cinema. The order line was lightyears long and almost took the joy away from us. Glad thing, we both infect each other smiles that made the long wait... well, shorter at the least.

So, hours passed and poof! I find myself conscious again. The movie was good and funny at times. Found some quotable lines appropriate for the night, for me and for both of us... yeah! its the vampire premise, muhahaha! "No, not the moats!", and also.. "oh, you do smell good." and "what if.. Im the bad guy."

Finally, we walked together and chat. and I can only smile. :)

------------

I felt the need to open my heart and let her know me, how critical Iam and how terminal my disease was. So that she can give the proper treatment for my broken heart.

april update 1

2008-04-22T16:18:00.006+08:00

sad lines

sometime in the past, i read a poem made by Pablo Neruda. after absorbing each lines, i inspired to reflect it on my own way, that was last year ago or wait.. maybe last 2 years ago. i did some edit, though its still a draft, im afraid i will not be able to put my own style if i keep editing it. here is my sad lines posted on a date of its latest edit.

unang paglipad

i wanted to cover what happen on my trip in Region 7 here, my trip there was once in a lifetime for me, hehe. my counter of everything that is first, soared when i adventured there, haha. but due to some extreme changes that affected my life, i only made one draft of what happen on my first day, waa, bakit nga ba. anyway, i hope i can bring back the feeling if i get time to reminisce it.

inhale.. exhale..

2008-03-24T16:08:00.003+08:00

its a different day today. i woke up this morning having some difficulty breathing. i don't know if it was caused by the awkward position during my sleep. i thought it will be gone after a few hours, but until now, it made me feel uneasy and weak. yung feeling na akala mo ay nagkaroon ka ng break up sa bf/gf mo. i can feel my chest contracts too much whenever i exhale.

here in my work, i cant continue my workload for the day since, im preoccupied to concentrate on my breathing. aw, it feels like im ready to die anytime.

anyway, this day was indeed different. i need to rest and forget this feeling.

sad lines

2008-03-12T16:56:00.000+08:00

ala Neruda ... whack!

i write tonight, behind the moon, there are stars in the sleeping sky.
i look up and stare to the shivering stars singing along with the night like whispers in the wind.

tonight i write the lines, i miss the time i spend alone staring at stars like your eyes.
i hear tears fall as whispers in the melody.
through nights like this i felt her in my arms
i memorized and memorized the light of her smile

i write the lines, i loved her. she sometimes loved me too.
to know that i do not have her, to feel that soon it will be over.
though miles away, i can see her through.
my heartbeat duets with the stars i watch, i stare.

i write the lines, she loved me sometimes and i loved her.
boundless is the night and endless is the song.
we can be together in dreams.
ending the music on a slowly fade like stars.

i saw the star you picked to represent us.
same stars above the night wind burst.
my eyes escape in the dream without her.
she is not with me though my heart is touching her.

i stare at the night without her
the night that we are not the same.

i no longer loved her, but i know how much.
i can write the saddest lines of tonight though my tears is just starting.
because night with stars like this i held her dear
forgetting is too long to bear.

"Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her."

no sugar

2008-03-02T06:50:00.002+08:00

hmm, i've become a pretender these past couple of weeks, i know i still need a heart transplant and a kidney donor to make it three. i hope it will make me more bato (harder) and newer for the days to come. i miss my bed more often now, although i prefer to sleep on my banig. i become lazy too. hmm, i sounded like im confident for my slow life here. anyway, before my random thought stops whistling random expression, i shall type as fast as i can to catch it up. i remember from one of the seminars i attended about being an executive, before you made a speech or do a presentation or write a letter, you should condition yourself, begin to imagine yourself inside the situation and write how ideas .. thoughts come in front of your senses. then make your first draft, edit it then edit it again for the final output. i remember all you can also have a friend edit it for you. aw!

but i will not do that here. this place lets me express on my own little ways how random my weak side is that is thoughts. yeh, personal thoughts.

ahh, this time i made a title first before going for its content. now, staring at the topic i made is like putting a gun on my head, but im assured that it has no bullet, hehe. going back from the topic, i first intended to post that i will refrain from going too deep discussing about my blood pressure and my heart problems. i will stay away from putting more bandages on my stitches and burns i had anymore, i pray. aside from this reason (usually unacceptable), this is the song that plays in the background this cold sunday morning...

no sugar! .. you are my candy girl and you got me wanting you..

just give me one more chance to make it right

2008-02-25T23:31:00.003+08:00

i felt lost and incomplete. three vacant days passed and all i did is sit on a couch watching vcds that i rented. i felt time is against me, that i cant find a way to speed it up or skip every tick i was about to spend this weekend.

though, there is one movie i like to remember before i retire today. its about the spirit of a girl who is trying to find his past. ahh, i cant write a good synopsis so here is the title of the movie 'just like heaven'. the movie is romantic and opposes my general feeling this month, lol. anyway, it changed my mood. the story is romantic and comedic enough to inspire me to be a little less moody. again again. the story is romantic and comedic... enough.

before i retire, i received a goodnight sign... that i will see a bright c and u tomorrow. :)

what's forever for

2008-01-31T10:17:00.000+08:00

it was a moonless night when i walk home from the reddish land of pines. back in the past when i promised myself to return at this very spot, i saw myself knowing that you will one day return to me, believing i will wait for you. this very moment, i saw myself again believing you will glimpse outside to shed some light for our love.

looking back over the years, even though reasonable things forced you to find someone better, i believe that was not how we part. following events tried to give me painful good-bye right then, all my tears faded. was the world as dazzling before i met you? all im left with were tears. now, it reminds me again of the past. i will save this place next to me.

as i walk away, from your place... i can't help but to cry. i wished its not yet over. this is not how we part.

you are the only reason...
that waiting gives me enough happiness.

forgive me...
or maybe its me that's gone crazy.

love is the only reason... as days pass by,
if you forget the long way back to me, i'll be waiting silently.

-----------------
so what's the glory in living
doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore
and if love never last forever
tell me, what's forever for

We were dreamers

2008-01-28T14:40:00.000+08:00

i will change the way i look here. i plan to stand again in this sphere without fear of losing something or someone, again (na naman!). this past couple of months, i realize that i lose more than i gain. my fear of losing someone got me on the situation of losing her in the end. that's not it, i was the one to be blamed and for the life of me, i cant shout! How is that?

now, to be able to say that im trying to make a single step, at least, for the people around me... i will have a new scheme in posting something here.

i remember back when the forefathers of my ancient minds got to meet and established the constitution, three names arises in the background.

Stephen...
Larry...
and Tequila

In a world of peaceful imaginations, silent nights, and white snow, Stephen knew there was always someone, Someone he could trust. believing to unseen hands that can calm any storms. Tequila on the other hand, numb of all things that go his way for nearly every occasion, always have something to do extraordinary, unresponsive but has a lot of surprises to shock you, how is that. lastly Larry! if you cant speak Tagalog, im sorry. He is the romantic antagonist of every tragedy plays. romantic? -do i need to explain. antagonist? -indeed coz the protagonist usually dies in a tragedy, i dont like that. what will he be if he's dead. Larry promise someone that waiting makes him happy or at least completes the twist of every tragedy.

for...

Tragedy usually is a series of unfortunate outcome that is caused by an unexpected change or mistake of some kind.

Angel

2008-01-04T10:49:00.000+08:00

First you say you wont, then you say you will
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on
I'm standing still, you got me on my knees.

--------------

I called someone last night and this songs plays in the background. Keeping the mood more subtle. I wish I can be with her but she will not believe it.

Fool on the Hill

2007-12-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

Sees the sun going down.
And the eyes in his head,
See the world spinning around.

---------------

There are times I feel I have to say what's on my mind, even though I know how much unfair it will gonna sound. I kept it for a long time knowing that it will fade in the end. But I still hear a voice that keeps me restless every night. I don't know how wrong I am today, for my decision will define me in the future. It will gonna hurt.

If I will tell it here, I just wish someone will help me stand no matter what decision I take.

There's been another girl that I've missed, but that doesn't mean I love someone less. She knows its over and never will have me. I just had an empty space inside me that only she can fill. I need to say these words as gently as I can, I know it will never be gentle but I need to voice it out before loneliness overcome me.

No one else can have the part of me I gave to you, all the things I ever said I swear its all true. I just wish someone will help me tell this to you.

There's just an empty space again.

---------------

But nobody ever hears him,
Or the sound he appears to make.

someone cries at night

2007-08-06T00:43:00.000+08:00

Someone's always here whenever the moon is not there
making stars do the job when nobody else believed
I'd stare at the sky alone too.
that someone don't know how I remember it,
I'd look up just once to look back
then the night will have tears that will fill someone's moonless night.

The road I have traveled on is paved with good intentions
I carried along dreams that keeps me crying.
the road is long and windy.
when all hopes were dying, someone's love kept me
and does what's best to fill my moonless night with stars.

...when someone cries at night.

-------
i can't explain how i feel whenever you ask me, but this is what i feel tonight now that you are not asking me.

classic comeback

2007-07-23T18:08:00.000+08:00

after months of silence in this sphere. at least im slowly regaining my urge of posting views that can make time unworthwhile again, while seeing things differently.

its hard to write cheerful things when music plays reminiscing melody in the background. its like seeing your shadows in front of a dim moonlight. time heals everything, but the question is when it will be finished. how will you play old music? or rather when will music need to be rewind in order to play again, differently?

i like to look back at old music that reminds you to play melodies that will reveal cheerful things from the past. i like to sing my classic past and renew things.

i like to shout to music, how will you replace time that heals as you play.

Unang paglipad

2006-09-10T17:28:00.000+08:00

waaa. for the first time, nakapasok ako sa Centennial Airport ng NASA, este NAIA. at hindi lang ako dadaan o kakaway sa mga labas pasok na tao sa pambansang paliparan ng Pilipinas, kundi pasahero pa ako. waaa.

ganun pala ang pakiramdam ng first time bibiyahe sa sariling mong eroplano, hehe. pero, yung first time na expirience ko, e, delayed kagad yung flight namin. namin? uu, me kasama nga pala akong yaya, este office mate ko, si ate mimi.. ayun, naatasan nga pala kami na mag-inventory kuno sa mga equipments ng dost na nakakalat sa region 7. saya noh, ibig sabihin, libreng travel fare, lodging, at gimik.

ay, teka, nasa NAIA pa pala ako, hinihintay ang eroplanong sasakyan namin.. at habang naghihintay.. isa lang naiisip ko, sarap sigurong maging kapitan..

.. pagkatapos maghintay ng 3oras, dumating na rin ang eroplanong sasakyan namin bound to Mactan Cebu. medyo may konting kaba kasi september 11, bukas.. waaa.. pero, naisip ko ang mga bida laging buhay sa dulo, hehe.

.. lilipad.. lipad.. takure!!!

.. ayun, isang oras na flight from NAIA to Cebu..

minsang pumasyal sa north park

2006-08-30T23:59:00.000+08:00

...just like to keep a record that this month, i fulfilled my dream of treating my family especially my mother to dine in a mamahaling restaurant... mamahalin as in love mo.
sayang lang, hindi na naabutan ni tatay yung pangarap ko na kumain kami sa labas.

ayun... masarap daw yung pagkain na kinain namin... biruin mo, ang kapatid ko na hindi kumakain ng hipon, e biglang kumain ng hipon. tapos si nanay, nakikipag-agawan pa.

dun ko lang nakitang naunang naubos yung isda at hipon kaysa dun sa beef na nakahain.

mula dun sa tsaang gubat, hanggang sa dessert na hinain... nabusog sila. hehe, buti na lang me nag-udyok sa akin na dun ko na lang sila palamunin este, pakainin. syempre sino pa... ang malugod kong Doña Dorotea, salamat. :D

his blood runs through my instrument

2006-07-01T23:59:00.000+08:00

then, June 2006 would be my unforgettable days of my life. not because of the hotel experience but because of my tatay. i missed my tatay so much. as i type this, im like a boy writing a letter in tears.

i never knew that my goodbyes before leaving to subic was the last time i would hear my tatay say, "Ingat ka, anak. Pasalubong ha!". i missed his smiles, the way he stood, his music, his jokes, his stare and the family factor, SILENT but DEADLY charisma, ehem.

i just like to say to my father... "Tay! salamat sa lahat, miss kita".

nakakaiyak, yoko ng pahabain pa.

-------------
"I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go --
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I dont think i
Said i love you near enough --"
-----------

http://stephentequila.blogspot.com/2005/05/alchemist.html

-----------

this post is for my father, who taught me deal big things SILENTLY.

kumukutikutitap

2006-06-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

remembering...

for the first time in my life, i experienced staying overnight in a LIMANG BITUING Holiday Inn Hotel. our office held a planning workshop in Subic Pampanga for DOST EXECOM members. it was a tiring but fun experienced being one of the organizers for the event. me, being the technical person in charge of the multimedia presentation, encounter BIG problems that made my day1 a bad one. hehe, i forgot to bring the cd player of the laptop, and thus unable to install the driver for the BIG printer we bring.
ofcourse, i will not let day1 ruin my classy stay in that hotel. heck, made myself comfortable and relax, in the room accomodation and buffet meals. also the ambience of a LIMANG BITUING hotel, imagine me like, este feeling, an executive strolling in that place, ehem! pede naman noh. ang sarap lang ng pakiramdam matulog, kumain at pumasyal sa ganong lugar, hay.

May May May May Sharona!!!

2006-05-29T01:00:00.000+08:00

remembering...

everything that happened on this month that i saved in my mind was gone.

everytime i tried to fix the binary data stored in it, exception errors always occur.

its so hard for me to recall...

kasi naman, DoTA lang ata ang inatupag. ah, hindi pala, meron din pala akong sideline na pinag gastusan ng oras.

I see trees of green...

2006-04-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

April? for me...

the most important word: solemnity

the hardest actions: sacrifice

and im here in the mountains, calmly thinking of how i will repay my life to the One who made us.

Time folds, cool change

2006-03-31T23:59:00.000+08:00

i was not in my best mood to do surfing or do anything productive in front of the computer. its frustrating to see that you have many things to do aside from personal concerns. and also, for the life of me, im stuck in playing DOTA, i cant stop avoiding that. waaa!

as time runs,

im slow and feeling cold.

Untitled valentine

2006-02-13T16:01:00.000+08:00

today i was thinking about what to do for Valentine’s Day with my friends especially to my special someone. i was thinking how to make this red month different and unforgettable.

anyway, also thought of how God has expressed the depths of His love to the world.

is it amazing that God did this for us, gave his only son for us? to save us from sins. could i have sacrificed my only son with the cruelty of the cross for somebody else? especially when they didn’t deserve it?

remembered the greatest commandment;

LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.

the second;

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

minsan, naisip ba nating ganito dapat ang pebrero?

why we express love to others. why we love God. because He first loved us. thus, we should love others not with the love coming from us, but with the love of God. He is the source of Love, right?

Happy Valentines!

(naks, ako ba 'to)

a test i failed

2006-02-13T15:04:00.000+08:00

last sunday morning, i woke up early, an unusual thing i rarely made especially on weekends. yup, i woke up early to play basketball. but its a bad day for me, cause a guy from nowhere shouted me to stop shooting especially when there's a game going on. i stopped not knewing he was the caretaker of the covered court, and when he left the court, i started to do shooting again cause where on earth that rule came from.

and when that guy, returned and caught me still playing... he feel like he was the strongest and fierceful warrior of his time, as if his bulky belly transported to his chest making him a little macho. that guy, i feel like naming him here as Super Itok!, who has the power to spin an object on a point of his finger, dashed and began throwing daggers of loud words to me. ofcourse, as my defense, i made a trademark stance, a pose before goku turned into super saiyan. i easily dodged Super Itok's fatal attack. i mindcontrolled all the stones surrounding me and in retaliation, i managed an attack, i made the stones around me float as if there's no gravity and as i started to speak, it flew towards Super Itok one by one, word per word. it happened so fast that he was badly hurt, making me think the fight was over.

Super Itok, a champion spinner of any object i do not know, saved all his remaining power for his last full blow. Me, turning my back after he was hit, posed like voltes5 after blasting his enemy.

then, suddenly, a solid punch from Super Itok made me in state of surprise. others watching in the scene was too fast to control the situation, too bad!

ouch!!! that was a real punch.

and that was a test of self-control, i failed.

what happened again?

2006-02-13T13:37:00.000+08:00

as i think of what should i post here in my blog, i realized what happened to my life... that i missed almost all of my daily routines when surfing the net. routines... like logging in for utopia and earth2025 games, and posting anything out of my mixed ideas here.
i dont have internet access during weekends but that's the time when i feel i needed to express what's deep here in my heart... naks. anyway, sometimes, weekends made me unproductive that all i have to do is sit on a couch while listening on a slow music coming from a radio. then while meditating there, and as i contemplate (waaa!) myself against the physical world, i often realized the things that i failed to accomplice in the past few weeks.
"what happened again?..." that's all i can say after minutes of silence, a question difficult to answer at that very moment.

well, what happened last two weeks? i made my pocket ached to death... but its worth a try. i watched MYMP concert(sounds like pimp, hehe) in araneta with my office mates and with doanne, feb3. i found the concert good though they revived majority of the songs they played. then, after the concert, i suddenly watched myself entering padi's point. then after drinking glasses of water there and listening to the performing rock band which i found more lively than the concert(ofcourse, rock,e). and finally, at around 3am, coffee in clowns' cafe woke us. the group parted at 4am.

what happened last week?

2006-01-12T13:41:00.000+08:00

i never started my new year right ever since i happened to know about making resolutions.
from the first day of new year up to this day, i rarely miss a day to visit a computer cafe, the reason? warcraft dota! waaa!

i suddenly get addicted to the game especially when i started to dominate my opponents in just 3 or 4 tries of playing it. that was last december, and when i happened to know that two of my friends also play it, we planned a date to hurt our computer-addicting-eyes. (hehe)

in playing dota, i usually own my opponents using these chars (yabang, wahaha!) : Juggernaut, RogueKnight,OmniKnight, Earthshaker, Bristleback, Doom Bringer, Nerubian Assasin, Nerubian Weaver, BroodMother, Spiritbreaker and Demon Witch.

then, after that, i rarely missed a day to either watch or join some Dota LAN games. well, i know this will be temporary until i find new things for me to concentrate.

i signed up to www.dotaportal.com and even tempted to attempt to write a guide for some of the characters i often used. but i dont really spend time in the net just typing especially in a cafe. then, that's what happened last week and this week unless i make some changes for the remaining 3 days of this week.

waaa! its Lario's birthday! just wish him good

Looking back over...

2005-12-23T15:19:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i find time to post something here. made myself busy this last quarter of the year, just to divert my mind to something else. sometimes, i just like to forget what needs to be done.

waaa! this year, many things have changed, from my life at home and work. and because of that, i forgot everything. waaa!

anyway, it is pointless to look back if we only regret the things that never happen, it is hazardous and useful, however, if we derive lessons from our past errors, right? looking back for the purpose of remembering shadows of our past life is worthless if we dont see the light that made the shadows of what we are right now. (ako ba 'to?)

anyway, someone from a far away place made a comment that my blog is something inquisitive. my reactions? "what do you mean!" waaa! i dont know exactly what the word inquisitive mean, unless i grab a dictionary immediately. hehe!

anyway (again), as i look back to what happen deep in my heart and my mind, i still picture myself alone still not finish waving good byebyes. imagine a man leaving a place and waving goodbyes as he gain distance from you, but before he left he made a note..."see me in your horizon, as i see you in mine."

Salute to the 23rd SEA Games Philippine Team

2005-12-06T17:51:00.000+08:00

The most vivid memory of the 23rd Southeast games?

For a nation that badly needs a respite from a tumultuous political life, its probably that time in the last fortnight when Filipinos, setting aside differences and political beliefs, gathered as one in a show of unity and teamwork to show the world what it is capable of doing.

-- the 23rd SEA Games Website

Congrats sa mga Pinoy Athlete. syempre, proud to be...
saka kasi, dati rin akong athlete... sa pangarap nga lang. hehe.

(last night) i didnt get to sleep at all

2005-11-21T18:17:00.000+08:00

i didnt know why i cant sleep every night, now that i have no projects due this month.
sigh, now that i have all the time to get some break in my busy (kuno!) days,but i cant sleep, really.

its worse than my insomnia, this emotional mind of mine.

it seems that you have to face what lies ahead, no matter how difficult or how harse it can be. you see, i was just trying to make myself different from the past. and still everytime i looked back... i saw my ghost pursuing me.

do you have dreams that let you correct your past? can you make people believe in you when all you are saying are lies?

i woke up this morning, can't remember what really happened on my last night's dream.

and it's freaky, i remember it now... because it is happening already... right now.

my first graveyard shift... hehe!

2005-10-05T11:59:00.000+08:00

im against to any night shift work, though im a parttime insomniac, hehe. anyway, im a little excited to try it. so, this day was my first experience.

i was eager to try, since that majority of my officemate will go overnight in our busy unit. that's not the only reason, also, there will be an incentive of having free dinner and free breakfast and... free absent! hehe. dont know the exact term,e.

besides, i will not be too busy than my other mates, here. and one primary reason why our unit will go night-night is... the congress budget hearing.
yup, on my observation, our SPU.. practice this tradition every year, hehe. i dont know why, and this time, im somewhat lucky to experience it.

the good thing here is that i will not program anything or rather i will not use my brain a lot for my assigned task.

my primary concern was on the field of printing and tech support or sometimes a joker without a joke.
huhu, i print and print... and print and.... print reports. doing this task, force me to love our kyocera and hp printers. it was good luck that these printers respected me already... that they hardly produce unexpected errors.

so, my first night shift was a little easy because, i had an oppurtunity to go online. hehe, though.. i fell asleep around 3am, because i saw my boss closed her office door, a strong fact that she will go signing off. and also, because, i happened to visit all the websites i used to visit.

a day to remember

2005-10-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

for me and for some people living on earth today, that this is the day when our Lord Jesus Christ was born. strange? weird? no-no.. spiritual. =)

well, everybody on earth know that Christmas day was December 25, but everybody including the Church knew that Dec25 is not the actual day when Christ was born.

October 3, was a day to remember.. i tell you this, cannot prove it to those who will not believe, but i have my own. anyway, i still celebrate Dec25 as Christmas day, but i observed October 3 also. (for some spiritual reasons)

The Cave

2005-09-19T19:48:00.000+08:00

i watched this movie with doanne and never got any good lines to remember. i dont know, maybe because the movie is too wierd to be true and too bad to be sci-fi. its one of a kind where movie pirates will get hard time making clear copies for their business. the only, scenes where you can appreciate sunlight was the last part.

Wind Walk

2005-08-30T14:30:00.000+08:00

i go out and talked with the night.
as we walked along the sleepy street
i saw something moved,

just like the wind.

we continue our journey towards a place, im not sure.
but then,
something touched my smile, that made my bones tremble like never before.
it really took something out of me and i couldnt help but...

now, the night already left me. im lost.

then, i realized i was in a place where only eyes can reach.
now i know why you have to believe to things unseen,
that if you dont believe, your eyes will seek the night.

and you would realize its too late to wake up.

i looked back to the things i have done and
never noticed something moved just like me.

Before i sign out today

2005-08-20T22:41:00.000+08:00

i just want to say that i got myself into some trouble.

trouble of getting a deal done and having to beat a deadline...

Utopia

2005-07-15T13:01:00.000+08:00

im playing this MMORPG for almost a year now. i enjoy this game even though almost all my friends like Ragnarok, Pristontale, GunBound etc.

utopia is a browser based game which only elite people (NAKS!) will enjoy how it works. it happened that this Age of War in Utopia, i was elected as the monarch of a kingdom. it was the most challenging part of playing that kind of game. It is the equivalent of being the guildmaster in Ragnarok.

utopia made me a little confident on my english vocabulary. a kingdom there usually composed of provinces governed by different nationalities of the world. it is a nice game that will make you a friendly, diplomatic, strategist and competitive. racial discrimination has no place in this game. that's one good point. i was so glad that people from my kingdom who happen to be in some other parts of the world, elected me in this important position. i happened to be the only pinoy in that kingdom. Hehe.. isipin nyo nagtiwala sa isang mahirap pagkatiwalaang tao!!!

if you need some help about this game... just click the image above, that's my way of saying thank you to the game. =>

Freelancing

2005-06-27T11:59:00.000+08:00

in my freelancing world, i never thought that i would be ask to say what price will i want just to switch to their company, i mean to their side and work full time. huh, i was shocked at this, when i received a text about that job oppurtunity. and it was my first time be interviewed like that, i mean with that kind of question. "name your price." aside from english construction that could drain my brain, my english was really challenged when i got to meet my latest client, a foreigner.

as you know or may not know, i was a programmer working in a govt office. i was in dire need to get too busy especially weeknights and weekends. so, i was a freelancer in those times. i never thought that my search for additional income will come to a point where i consider leaving my current job. the meeting was sunday, it was yesterday, i went to my client's house (naks, client daw,o!), together with a friend of mine who referred me. there, i was presented with loads of programming work, they really need a full time ASP programmer. "i want to try their stuff but, just as a freelancer will do -get a deal, i code, you pay, then next deal." its just that my tongue will twist whenever i try to speak.

but to get a deal or not will not be a big deal for me, there's plenty of them, naman. (hehe, yabang noh?) edi balik sa freelancing life.

you! i can make your business web enabled and automated. just email me.

Sigh

2005-06-23T20:25:00.000+08:00

Gusto ko pumunta sa lugar kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin,

Tapos magsisimula ako muli.

Three Brothers Message

2005-06-22T12:44:00.000+08:00

This is an appeal to someone who can be called AngelEyes.

from: Teban

i dont want to really hurt you. i really miss you but i cant be with you right now or maybe in any years time. i left all my hopes about you to God. ayokong maniwala sa mga sinasabi mong di naman dapat, di na dapat ganon. sana, maging masaya ka kung ano man ang meron ka. di na natin hawak ang mangyayari sa hinaharap. =/

from: Teka!

your comment really hurt me. please stop posting comment or rather stop reading this blog, if you will only just say things very very personal. wholesome naman sana ito. this is just a blog, a blogging comment is only needed. this is my blog, make your own and do whatever it suffice you, free naman ito noh? wag mo sanang piliting makalimutan ko ang hindi naman dapat makalimutan!

from: Lario

i will still be here. after you're gone, things change a lot. at first, i miss everything between us. i became useless. at lahat ng mga bad ending parang nangyari na yata. then, i learned my friends were still there ready to help, kahit na iniwan ko sila sa ere, dahil sa iyo. di mo nauunawaan kung ano ang difference ng friends sa loveone. hanggang ngayon naman, wala ka atang pinaniwalaan. dont know what you're trying to drive at when we got a chat in YM telling me you're missing me? tapos, i read an anonymous comment here sucking me up, and branding me xxxx. i know its you, i have visitor logs in those time of day. you can say anything all you want, but not here. im just blogging. ako pa rin ito... at eto pa rin ako.

It isn't who you are on the inside, It is what you do that defines you.

2005-06-20T14:47:00.000+08:00

this line was from the latest batman movie, and it really caught my senses. it was when Rachel (Batman's love interest) met Bruce Wayne for the first time after seven years. then Bruce in that situation said, "Rachel, uh, this, this isnt what i am on the inside." I know why Bruce tells this, but Rachel does not. "It isn’t who you are on the inside," Rachel tells Bruce, "it is what you do that defines you."

reflecting with those lines will get you in a scene where you have more than one identity, which is true, dont you think?

like me, i cut myself into wierd identities each with their own uniqueness, but it is what i do that reveals the true me, no matter how kind and gentle stephen will be or how wierd tequila sounds to a drunk ear.

We have nothing to fear... but FEAR itself

2005-06-20T13:13:00.000+08:00

Batman Begins is not just another film about the dark knight in a gothic realm. this is a tale that teaches us how to face your fear (at least) and use it as your strength. if i will summarize the film in one word, it is FEAR. before anything else, batman was my favorite superhero, toppling SuperMan, SpiderMan or KahitsinokaMan. =P

the film was too good as it tells us how Bruce Wayne became Batman, how he got his suit, "his toys," his attitude, and his stealthness (what i really like most). Everything is explained here.

my Greatest Fear?
hmm, to see the unseen.
why?
i dont want to just hear something move or just feel you are not alone in supposedly lonely place. just like the criminals in the latest batman film, fearing something that you dont see.
it can really make you something different.

I know we have nothing to fear (here on earth, at least), its just that we have to avoid fear to conquer are hearts. It can kill one's courage once fear exist, you know.

im not an actor, im not a star

2005-06-18T23:59:00.000+08:00

i watched Batman Begins in GreenBelt with a friend,
and it was my first time to hang-up there.
being there was sort of a different feeling,
its the feeling that will make me sick.
hehe, it makes me feel a little inferior to everyone out there,
but tolerable as it seems to be.
"buti na lang,
meron akong culture shock absorber na kasama. hehe"
her name was "______". =P
ooops, my apologies...
but that blank line would not exist unless i left clues.
but being there, would force me to advice this,
its for someone out there who is a little like me. just
dont expect something from someone
or smile to everyone
and win a friend or two
neither make promises
nor tell truths
"ewan ko ba, basta maging normal ka.
oi, syempre nag-enjoy ako doon
lalo na't may kasama ka, hehe"
tapos maisip mo pang
napuntahan mo na yung lugar sa panaginip,
cool di ba?

Jeepney

2005-06-10T13:02:00.000+08:00

this morning, i met a girl, just my type. well, i only saw her, dont know exactly about her or her name. but its been a month since i first saw her.

the first scenery

last month, as i was, sometimes, late going to work, i saw a girl in type c uniform. i thought, it was type c as she was wearing white blouse, that is more like a t-shirt, and maong pants.

it was not the ray of sunlight that gives vitamin to our skin, it was her hair that made me glance at her. it was straight and silky just like in a commercial. the fact that her face complements with her eyes is another thing that made me a culprit guilty of attempting to melt an iceberg.
i saw her entering the terminal as my jeep escaped the crime scene. sigh!

the best deserves second chances

last midsummer's morning, i woke up early and realized that it was a great time doing my new year's resolution - not to be late!

i did wake up early but ended up staring at the ceiling longer. my morning routine is always easy to remember and quick to accomplice, starting with a coffee that was used to just color the morning cup, and ending up brushing my teeth as i stare at our 30min-advance wall clock. whew! the sun is always mean to me, he sets early and rises late. it always ruin my day.
morning was the shortest time of the day, i think.

anything that happens twice, will surely happen for the third time.

this morning, the sun was a little nicer to me. just like in the commercial, one good day coming up! but i guessed, the sun was too early for his usual 'late' time.

in the terminal, i saw the iceberg again. this time she wore a modified type c uniform, a printed white blouse and faded maong pants. luck was with me as the crowd overloaded the last jeepney to leave.

they all left, i wished, and only the two of us will remain. well, i was an ideal shy guy everytime that situation comes. and i found myself staring up in the morning sky. and then suddenly, i feel her eyes touch my presence that instant. i just wished the oil prices explode at that moment that no jeep will ever came in.
she was more brighter today than the last time i saw her. and then i noticed she move away from me, even if we were two spread-arms apart already... i wonder why? is it because of me?
whew! a jeep from nowhere just came and sigh! atleast she saw me!

she sat on the other side of the seat, where i can see her. oohhh! and looking at her, made me think i have to be early every morning. today was extraordinary.
and i will not ask for more about knowing her.

i am happy that i saw her twice, and our eyes crossed thrice.

Everything in Life is an Omen

2005-06-07T11:54:00.000+08:00

sigh! last week, three things happened that change significantly the way i sleep. well, i still have difficulty to fall asleep each night, but that three things make me either sleep deep or sleep earlier. huh?

i know i was a member of insomniac partylist, and still i am. hehe.

here it goes... first, i won a friend, hopefully. second, i received a text message from a long lost special friend, long lost?!? third, i missed a call. and if you happen to add all their first names, jumble the letters and eliminate duplicate letters, you will get "readknow".
am i artful? este maarte? ahehe.

well, i do believe that everything that happens to your life is an omen, why? because all those events will coincide to your present and will let you remember the past as a reason why you are like the present. meaning, everything that can affect your life, bad thing or good, will sum up to your past. omen is not just a sign. you cannot predict what will happen next even if you can identify omens. but it will help you decide when in doubt.

but i believe that recognizing omen will help you know yourself. naks! omen is not just a sign, sometimes it takes the form of a friend, like mine, and sometimes it is formless as LOVE or ANGER. you can talk with them like talking to your parents, and listen to them like your heart, your mind, and even fear them like death. hmm...

i know God sometimes communicate to us through omens.

well, i do hope that getting to know omen will make me sleep a little more deeper and a little earlier.
bene, i wished that i get to know more about my latest friend, a little pikon and a little cool. i wished that i received another text from my long lost friend and treat me to a japanese restaurant and share some things about being nostalgic. and third, i also wished that i never ever missed a person, este, a call. =P

Reality Anime

2005-05-23T20:03:00.000+08:00

You know Sakuragi of Slamdunk? well, this is for you... Sakuragi and Coach Ansai.
E N J O Y !!!

The Alchemist

2005-05-17T12:52:00.000+08:00

today is my father's birthday. he just came back from a vacation in Sabtang Batanes, you know that island? it is really a beatiful place even though i have been there only in dreams, i think i know something than you.

anyway, i just thought of the latest book i have read. And remember my father back from my childhood days, where he used to be quiet and calm teaching us. yes, he taught us something that will make us different from others without uttering any word.

it was just like, we learned how to contemplate with what we have. telling us the philosopher's stone was not impossible, that it can make our dreams to reality. elixir of life?... hmm... that's the one i wished for my father. i wished him to be happy for the remaining years of his life. making me a living legacy of the real alchemist in our line.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY po!

One Normal Saturday

2005-05-07T23:59:00.000+08:00

my brother and i went to VideoCity to look for some good vcd's, for we had nothing to do to make our mind busy. as i was browsing in the cd rack, one movie got my attention. it was titled "One Missed Call", i dont know why it got my eyes fix on it. reading the movie info, it was one suspense-mystery-horror thing. right from the cover, you will know that it was a japanese movie, like the "Ring" movies, where hairs was used to frightened the viewer.

my brother got "I,Robot". he watched it already but he was recommending it for the family. "I, Robot", was a nice movie. i'll gonna make a reflection for that movie in the following days.

well, "One Missed Call" was about the mystery of receiving strange voicemail from your celfone, where, in it, was the last words you will utter here on earth right before your death. that's not all, in the message log of the voicemail was the time and date you will die. So, the movie revolved just like solving the Sadako mystery. The plot thickens as the characters in the movie recieved their own death warning. hehe, its not that scary for me, but its hairy...

i like the ending song of the movie, i mean the message in the song.

it was like there is two different worlds for us and the unseen beings, but there is one sky they can see, like there is space between two lovers but one love. and that space makes these lovers look through the sky as if it was their sign of hope. Sayonara! Sayonara! as the song repeatedly says.

What file extension are you?

2005-05-05T20:16:00.000+08:00

aha! i like to be a text file, as simple as a string of characters... nothing to worry about styles, formats and designs. just a plain text file.

primitive as it sounds. like...

untitled.txt

there was a time that i just thought i would lose my mind

2005-05-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

something was wrong that needs a little change, i realized i was too lazy and rather too careless to keep important dates. something was wrong about me these past days, AGAIN. dont know how to shift my problems into some sort of a joke. even if my only problem was living like good old days. i wish i can go back in the past and change... the way i look tonight, how i smile, how i laugh and how i see others.

can you define what's love?
well, you cant say how sweet is to love if you didn't know how to be hurt because of love. but you can say what is love if you really know how to sacrifice.
the deeper meaning of love always comes from someone who experienced being loved and then get hurt eventually.

and that was the time i thought i would lose my mind.

My old friend

2005-04-20T23:55:00.000+08:00

kamusta na aking kaibigan
nandito na naman ako para magsalita
dahil ang tanda ay marahang gumagapang
at nag-iiwan ng binhi sa aking gunita

at ang tanda na nasa aking pagtulog
nanatili sa mahinang tunog.

sa aking hindi pagtulog
mag-isa akong naglalakad
sa isang daan na saya ay busog
at sa mga ilaw at poste ay may tatak

lamig at lungkot.
na himihipo sa aking pagtulog

....
(to be continued... ala na kong pambayad ng rent... hehe)

Somebody's Watching Me

2005-04-14T19:52:00.000+08:00

today, somebody out there is mad at me... and what can i do to be nice for that person, if that person is mad at me and now treating me as a fool? Sigh, keeps whispering be true, and you think saying SORRY was easy?!!! OMG!!! dont tell me your ok.

"Wag magpagpag ng muta ng iba kung kagigising mo lamang...
baka may muta ka rin. baka lang!"

blog lang ito... nvm

The Horizon

2005-04-06T19:47:00.000+08:00

I never know what to type here today, my idea was just to express my feeling through poems, ofcourse in filipino. But I dont have enough time to write poems, as I have so many things that was stocked in my mind. I was hopeless as of now, as I came up with a decision that make me look back hundreds times from the past. Well, that past was just days ago, as I cant imagine how worst I was and how stupid I was.
I was lonely again but in a natural way. I chose to face my future alone, without anything to worry about who and what I will left. My life was just like climbing a watch tower, as I take each step higher, the farther I saw the horizon. So I find a reason to change myself, and now, I will not climbed anymore. Instead I will be the one who will be seen in the horizon when somebody climbs up in the tower. And as I run towards the endless path, they will have to climb up a little higher to make them realize I already reached the horizon. Funny and wierd? Well, yes. I dont have good english but I think I painted myself against your brainy walls in an abstract way, hehehe.
I never know what to say to "a girl from the painted wall." I just hope that she will be fine. Just want to say, "I'm sorry" for my selfish decision that hurt her.

I like to be alone running away towards my favorite word- "THE HORIZON."

Hope I can be there!!! =/

The Day It Was

2005-03-19T19:20:00.000+08:00

back at the purple days of college, i was renting a computer at the purpol.com computer shop. i played NBA 2005 against my brother four times, and four times, i lost.
i was with jeana after watching a movie "HITCH", and agreed to go online. On the way, we met an unusual couple...

yes, they were ruzzhel and jeff... and wow, i never expected that we would meet them. And as old friends, we were like close friends as we had a Q&A session. (ano larry?!?)
then, we parted at the SM, then, after a couple of hours, we met them again (again? yes!), this time at purpol. I dont know why I was telling this, but for the sake of having a post this week, I put this. (hehe!)

This day was a not-so-special happy day. Why? Dont know! but one thing is for sure...

Different man have different happy days of his life, but there can always be two life that have the same happy days.

i believe i can be a man from the future who meets his girl in the past.

2005-03-10T18:31:00.000+08:00

how do you like it?

My Sassy Girl scene

2005-03-01T11:22:00.000+08:00

One of my favorite scene in the movie, "My Sassy Girl".

When is a girl the prettiest?

2005-02-21T01:00:00.000+08:00

When is a girl the prettiest? Well, i watched a korean movie "My Sassy Girl", and after seeing it two times, i had a crush on the girl, i liked the story. It was a romantic comedy and you can learn some lesson about how to deal with love. Although, you have to read the translation to understand the story, i liked the lines when the leading lady asked about "When is a girl the prettiest?"
It something that you can reflect more about the person who will answer that kind question...

When can you tell that a person you are with loves you?

for me, its a personal preference, its the way you look at her. everytime you sees her, you will feel something that she is the prettiest. yes, that's the way it is, tell me, im wrong, if you did not see how pretty your girl is you dont have something for her. A girl is prettiest if you thought that in everyday that was created, she shares with you all the seconds, minutes and hours, of her day. It's not the way she looks, she wears her groove, she carries herself, but the way how pretty a girl in your eyes.

Ahh!

2005-02-10T09:17:00.000+08:00

Leorio

Small changes in my life...

2005-02-09T19:09:00.000+08:00

today, nothing much more happen to my extraordinary life, but its one big event that i cannot imagine... my fingers are crossed and i wish time will stop.

what the heck, its so hard to write in english, wish all the people to speak one language... and in my dreams... it happened.

do you know, what they speak? -sana pag-ibig na lang ang isipin ng bawat isa sa mundo...-

yes, they speak that crazy little thing called LOVE...

i think she already leaving cause her hands was on the door...
but i thought this place was an empire... umm?!? sounds family?
i think she's so mean, but i think she's scared because of what im thinking stupid.

but, if she will be gone, i'll know this will be another changes in my life i am dealing...
but there is something in me... that others think they are wrong...

getch() nyo na ba? ala lang magawa... that's how my mind is thinking in this very moment...
im very very happy today!!!

DOST-CRM Web application new home...

2005-02-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

mga unconcerned citizens,
lipat ko na ung mga articles and announcements ng CRM dito sa new blog na ito.
CRM NEWS

My first day alone...

2004-11-11T10:29:00.000+08:00

I really dont know...
what to do...