Karma

Ang karma ay isang karanasan,
karanasang magbubunga ng alaala,
alaalang maglilikha ng haraya.
Harayang magbubunga ng pagnananasa.
At nasang maglilikha muli ng karma.

Halimbawa, kung bibili ka ng kape, yan ang karma.
Sa iyong alaala, malilikha ang panlasang
uudyok sa iyo upang sumubok ng iba.
Sa muli mong pagdaan sa kapihan,
Ibubulong sa sarili, ano ang titikman,
cappuccino o macchiato naman kaya?
At yan ang karma sa simula't simula.

Stephen Tequila, 20160419
(hango kay Deepak Chopra)

What's wrong with being just me?

Being childish is not always being immature. I feel sad to hear from you that Im both childish and immature over the things I like to do in my free time. Fighting loneliness is not an easy thing to do, you know that more than me. Sometimes, when your alone doing nothing, thinking nothing, that's when loneliness strikes and no one can help you because your on your own- all alone.

May I ask you something? Is there comes a time that you want to be with me in my world? Can you sacrifice all the things you used to have, all the things you want to be, just to be with someone you love? Because, I do, Im willing to do it.. because that was the decision, I would need to do before I started loving you. I just hope that what's left with me when that time finaly comes will not be bothering you. I hope you will not try to change it because its not cool.

I just want to keep my child soul in me, because Im sure being an adult sometimes made us cruel and unhappy over the things around us and discontented over the things we already have. I dont want to be like that.

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There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. -Stacey Charter

Never give up, ok?

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. -George Eliot

So being in a pinch

...is always a good way to tell yourself to relax.

Sigh, I know there's something wrong about myself...

---

"Instructions for living a life.
Pay attention.
Be astonished.
Tell about it."
— Mary Oliver

My own personal brand of heroin

I arrived late as usual, but unlike in the past, I exerted effort not to be late. but then like in the past, sigh, time was always not with me. It always runs faster than normal, sprints harder than usual. sigh again.

And so we met secretly as it may seem but without doubt or worry that someone will find us. Ofcourse, we prepared escape routes and memorized lines in case others, be it he or she, caught us sharing time together. mmmmm. At least for me.

I found her trying a dress that's something new or maybe new in my eyes, she looked gorgeous when she tried it on, I can only smile because when I arrived at the scene I felt the saleslady on her side did a full antivirus scan on me. Is it a safe application? Is it malware or trojan? waaaa. I can only smile. And I like to answer, yes im safe (with a stiff tagalog tone) noh, and Im a compiler. So leave before I issue a critical error message, noh. hehehe.

As planned we go out to watch fireworks display. I think I only had few wows and awes when we are watching it. I admit I also watched her react to the booms and bangs. peace tayo. I never imagine I will be with her at this moment of my masochistic life. Its like a drug to me. Its like my own personal brand of heroin. naks. syempre katulad ng ibang nobela, kailangan mabanggit ang pamagat.

Then we bought movie tickets, shopped to the max (as in...) and stopped at wendy's to take out food we will devour, hahaha, at the cinema. The order line was lightyears long and almost took the joy away from us. Glad thing, we both infect each other smiles that made the long wait... well, shorter at the least.

So, hours passed and poof! I find myself conscious again. The movie was good and funny at times. Found some quotable lines appropriate for the night, for me and for both of us... yeah! its the vampire premise, muhahaha! "No, not the moats!", and also.. "oh, you do smell good." and "what if.. Im the bad guy."

Finally, we walked together and chat. and I can only smile. :)

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I felt the need to open my heart and let her know me, how critical Iam and how terminal my disease was. So that she can give the proper treatment for my broken heart.