Karma

Ang karma ay isang karanasan,
karanasang magbubunga ng alaala,
alaalang maglilikha ng haraya.
Harayang magbubunga ng pagnananasa.
At nasang maglilikha muli ng karma.

Halimbawa, kung bibili ka ng kape, yan ang karma.
Sa iyong alaala, malilikha ang panlasang
uudyok sa iyo upang sumubok ng iba.
Sa muli mong pagdaan sa kapihan,
Ibubulong sa sarili, ano ang titikman,
cappuccino o macchiato naman kaya?
At yan ang karma sa simula't simula.

Stephen Tequila, 20160419
(hango kay Deepak Chopra)

Abot-Tanaw

Hirap akong makatulog ngayon, hindi dahil meron akong sasalihang card tournament bukas at hindi rin dahil marami akong dapat tapusin at asikasuhin. Kung tutuusin, maaari naman ipagpaliban ang pagsali sa tournament bukas dahil hindi nakatuon doon ang isip ko ngayon. Hindi ko rin naman naiisip na tapusin ang lahat ng paperworks at coding projects na nasa harapan ko.

Sa palagay ko, kailangan natin minsan magkaroon ng oras para makapagmuni-muni ng walang inaalalang mga makamundo at/o personal na bagay.

Kaya lang, naiisip ko palagi sa tuwing mag-isang makatititig sa kisame ng aming bahay, walang palyang hindi ko maisip ang isang tagpo sa aking buhay.

Marahil, matuturing na isang panaginip itong isang tagpo sa aking buhay, dahil sa matinding lungkot na naranasan ko sa tuwing maaalala ko papano ito natatapos...

Napansin ko na ako ay nasa isang lumang toreng nakatanaw sa dalampasigan. At may barkong naglalayag sa di kalayuan. Sa hindi mapaliwanag na dahilan, sa bawat pag-akyat ko at pagtaas ng palapag sa lumang tore patuloy kong nakikita ang barkong naglalayag, lalong lumilinaw at lalong nabubuo ang mga detalye nito. 

Sa tuwing humihinto ako sa pag-akyat, unti-unting nilulunok ng dagat ang barko hanggang sa watawat na lamang nito ang matira. Kaya bago maglaho ang barko, nagpapatuloy ako sa pag-akyat sa lumang tore, dumudungaw sa bawat bintana at tinatanaw ang barko sa bawat palapag. Minsan, lumiliban ako sa pagdungaw at walang hintong umaakyat, upang matagal ko masilayan ang barko kung sakaling maghabol ng aking hininga.

Kaya lamang katulad ng panaginip, may katapusan, mapuputol ang bawat tagpo, itutuloy sa muling pag-idlip, o kaya ay magsisimula muli.

Sa tuktok ng lumang tore, siguro, malayo na ang narating ng barko.

Bakit ganun?

Ang totoo, pinili ko na naman baguhin ang maliit kong ambisyon para maging dapat sa kanya. Hindi naman iyon madali para sa akin, pero sinisikap ko naman na unti unti magawa ko. Hindi naman kasing bilis ng nagawa niya, pero hinihingi ko lang naman ay konting pang-unawa.

Ang kinatatakot ko baka dumating ang araw na sa sobrang tayog at taas ng narating niya, wala nang halaga ang mga mumunti kong pinagsikapan, na kahit papaano, nagtiyaga ako; na kahit papaano, sumubok ako. Pinilit kong abutin siya.

Hindi pa nga nang-yayari ang mga bagay na iyon, bakit naramdaman ko bigla na konting-konti na lang ang tiwala at pagtitiyaga nya sa akin. Na-realize ko, ang dali ko lang palang takutin at iwanan.

Bakit ganun? Parang walang halaga ang mga nakaraan namin.

What's wrong with being just me?

Being childish is not always being immature. I feel sad to hear from you that Im both childish and immature over the things I like to do in my free time. Fighting loneliness is not an easy thing to do, you know that more than me. Sometimes, when your alone doing nothing, thinking nothing, that's when loneliness strikes and no one can help you because your on your own- all alone.

May I ask you something? Is there comes a time that you want to be with me in my world? Can you sacrifice all the things you used to have, all the things you want to be, just to be with someone you love? Because, I do, Im willing to do it.. because that was the decision, I would need to do before I started loving you. I just hope that what's left with me when that time finaly comes will not be bothering you. I hope you will not try to change it because its not cool.

I just want to keep my child soul in me, because Im sure being an adult sometimes made us cruel and unhappy over the things around us and discontented over the things we already have. I dont want to be like that.

---
There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. -Stacey Charter

Not in good mood

Hindi ko alam bakit ang dami daming kong iniisip sa tuwing mamumulat sa umaga, kahit bago ako matulog, ang dami daming naglalaro sa utak ko. Nakakapagod, nakakalito at nakakainis. Pero, kung susumahin ko lahat lahat ito... masasabi kong malungkot din. Ewan ko ba, nahahawa na rin ako sa mga taong kayang palakihin ang maliit na problema. Kasi kung tutuusin, madali lang naman ang dinadamdam ko.

Balak kong isulat lahat ng agam agam sa buhay ko kaya naisipan kong magbalik dito sa blog. Hehe! Sa madaling salita, magpapaka-emo muna, baka sakaling lumipas ang oras at boom! wala na akong naiisip- wala nang problema.

Naisip kong isa-isahin ang mga bagay na nagpapaikot at naglalaro sa utak ko ngayon! Kaya lang, unti-unting namang lumalabo ang utak ko, nagugulo at bigla na lang nahihiyang ilagay dito. Hays, parang ang lungkot ng buhay, dapat hindi ko masyado iniisip kung ano ang mangyayari bukas o sa hinaharap. Hindi ko naman ugali mag-isip at mag-alala sa kung anong meron bukas, ganun pa man, hindi na, e. Laging nag-aalala na lang ako sa kung ano ako sa hinaharap.

Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng walang matakbuhan, walang mahingian ng tulong o walang masabihan ng nararamdaman.
----

Ganito pala magpakitang ika'y masaya at nakangiti
Ngunit sa iyong kalooban, may kirot at nagdadalamhati

Sa palagay ko kelangan na nilang magbalik

Teban...laging kulang sa oras.
Lario... laging busy, student life, love life, family, financial!
Teka... puro laro!

---

Itong mga buwan na dumating, maraming nangyari sa buhay buhay. Sa ngayon, kasi, parang laging may kulang sa bawat araw na nagdaan. Na ang tanging takbuhan ko na lang upang maiwasan ang dinaramdam ay maglaro, maglaro, magtrabaho, kumain, maglaro, maglaro, maglaro... atbp.

Kaya para maiba naman, dito ko na ipagbubugtong ang nasa loob ng aking dibdib! hehehe!

killing myself to sleep

tonight, I never feel incomplete like this before. :(

I never know what will I do to move on from this feeling of loneliness tonight. Sometimes, I really wish you will be at my side, comfort me and let me realize that its just another ordinary day. It's hard to pretend that Im ok, when I know inside of me, there's something missing.

what I wanted was you just have to make me feel I was still a part of your everyday routine, no matter how far we are apart. I know Im beginning to be selfish for us, but I dont understand why I feel so alone lately. I cant put my mind at ease, I feel so bad.

I know I need to conclude this day of my life at the least and I pray tomorrow will be different.

I wish that sometimes you drop a goodnight kiss for me before ending your day. :(

Ako Man Ay Kulang

Ako Man Ay Kulang
(2011.08.03)

ala Lilian Smith

Ang paghahanap

sa sulok ng mga hula at katotohanan;
sa maselang katayuan ng bukas sa pangarap;
sa kung saan napaghahalo ng sining ang pantasya at makasanglibutang bagay;
sa sandaling naging kahapon ang pananalig sa karunungan ng bukas;
sa pagbaba sa kapangyarihan alang alang sa karamihan;
sa pagliglig sa luma't mapait na karanasan at pagyukod naman sa pagbabago;
sa tugon sa mga tanong na kailan man hindi masasagot;
at sa taimtim na pagyakap sa walang katukuyan;
pati na ang di-buong kaalaman natin sa Maykapal

ay ang laong laan ng bawat isa,
sa aking palagay.

-Stephen Tequila

parang may kulang

matagal na rin palang walang bagong post dito. pano ba naman, masyado maraming gustong gawin sa buhay...

hayz. nakakapagod ang isang araw kapag pakiramdam mo may kulang. dumaan ang maghapon, nagawa ang dapat gawin para mabuhay,.. kumain, matulog, tumulong sa bahay, tumambay, etc., pero may kulang.

nakakainis isipin, kung minsan may kasama ka pero hindi mo alam kung kasama ka nga nya.
kung minsan nakakalunos isipin na wala kang magagawang anuman sa isang bagay na tila nakatakda na sa hinaharap. ngunit mapangyayaring maiba kung may makakasama ka.

sana makilala mo ako bilang isang kasama mo.

You dont realize how much...

I need you.

I dont really know why Im feeling so afraid and so weak this day. Its like wanting to see into the wind and feeling its teeth. :(

I saw birds fly and glide with the wind this morning, I found it enchanting though incomplete. As when strong winds came, they scattered.

I hope if we fly and turn against the air, you are with me even if its means landing backwards.

because I realize how much...

I need you.

-------------

Im going to find my girl, gonna hold her tight.
I will make it right, just need her say alright.
I will ring bells so to make us remember
That Im her boy and she's my girl.

My own personal brand of heroin

I arrived late as usual, but unlike in the past, I exerted effort not to be late. but then like in the past, sigh, time was always not with me. It always runs faster than normal, sprints harder than usual. sigh again.

And so we met secretly as it may seem but without doubt or worry that someone will find us. Ofcourse, we prepared escape routes and memorized lines in case others, be it he or she, caught us sharing time together. mmmmm. At least for me.

I found her trying a dress that's something new or maybe new in my eyes, she looked gorgeous when she tried it on, I can only smile because when I arrived at the scene I felt the saleslady on her side did a full antivirus scan on me. Is it a safe application? Is it malware or trojan? waaaa. I can only smile. And I like to answer, yes im safe (with a stiff tagalog tone) noh, and Im a compiler. So leave before I issue a critical error message, noh. hehehe.

As planned we go out to watch fireworks display. I think I only had few wows and awes when we are watching it. I admit I also watched her react to the booms and bangs. peace tayo. I never imagine I will be with her at this moment of my masochistic life. Its like a drug to me. Its like my own personal brand of heroin. naks. syempre katulad ng ibang nobela, kailangan mabanggit ang pamagat.

Then we bought movie tickets, shopped to the max (as in...) and stopped at wendy's to take out food we will devour, hahaha, at the cinema. The order line was lightyears long and almost took the joy away from us. Glad thing, we both infect each other smiles that made the long wait... well, shorter at the least.

So, hours passed and poof! I find myself conscious again. The movie was good and funny at times. Found some quotable lines appropriate for the night, for me and for both of us... yeah! its the vampire premise, muhahaha! "No, not the moats!", and also.. "oh, you do smell good." and "what if.. Im the bad guy."

Finally, we walked together and chat. and I can only smile. :)

------------

I felt the need to open my heart and let her know me, how critical Iam and how terminal my disease was. So that she can give the proper treatment for my broken heart.

sad lines

ala Neruda ... whack!

i write tonight, behind the moon, there are stars in the sleeping sky.
i look up and stare to the shivering stars singing along with the night like whispers in the wind.

tonight i write the lines, i miss the time i spend alone staring at stars like your eyes.
i hear tears fall as whispers in the melody.
through nights like this i felt her in my arms
i memorized and memorized the light of her smile

i write the lines, i loved her. she sometimes loved me too.
to know that i do not have her, to feel that soon it will be over.
though miles away, i can see her through.
my heartbeat duets with the stars i watch, i stare.

i write the lines, she loved me sometimes and i loved her.
boundless is the night and endless is the song.
we can be together in dreams.
ending the music on a slowly fade like stars.

i saw the star you picked to represent us.
same stars above the night wind burst.
my eyes escape in the dream without her.
she is not with me though my heart is touching her.

i stare at the night without her
the night that we are not the same.

i no longer loved her, but i know how much.
i can write the saddest lines of tonight though my tears is just starting.
because night with stars like this i held her dear
forgetting is too long to bear.

"Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her."