Bakit ganun?

Ang totoo, pinili ko na naman baguhin ang maliit kong ambisyon para maging dapat sa kanya. Hindi naman iyon madali para sa akin, pero sinisikap ko naman na unti unti magawa ko. Hindi naman kasing bilis ng nagawa niya, pero hinihingi ko lang naman ay konting pang-unawa.

Ang kinatatakot ko baka dumating ang araw na sa sobrang tayog at taas ng narating niya, wala nang halaga ang mga mumunti kong pinagsikapan, na kahit papaano, nagtiyaga ako; na kahit papaano, sumubok ako. Pinilit kong abutin siya.

Hindi pa nga nang-yayari ang mga bagay na iyon, bakit naramdaman ko bigla na konting-konti na lang ang tiwala at pagtitiyaga nya sa akin. Na-realize ko, ang dali ko lang palang takutin at iwanan.

Bakit ganun? Parang walang halaga ang mga nakaraan namin.

What's wrong with being just me?

Being childish is not always being immature. I feel sad to hear from you that Im both childish and immature over the things I like to do in my free time. Fighting loneliness is not an easy thing to do, you know that more than me. Sometimes, when your alone doing nothing, thinking nothing, that's when loneliness strikes and no one can help you because your on your own- all alone.

May I ask you something? Is there comes a time that you want to be with me in my world? Can you sacrifice all the things you used to have, all the things you want to be, just to be with someone you love? Because, I do, Im willing to do it.. because that was the decision, I would need to do before I started loving you. I just hope that what's left with me when that time finaly comes will not be bothering you. I hope you will not try to change it because its not cool.

I just want to keep my child soul in me, because Im sure being an adult sometimes made us cruel and unhappy over the things around us and discontented over the things we already have. I dont want to be like that.

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There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout: This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me... or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don't fit your idea of who I should be and don't try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision. -Stacey Charter

Never give up, ok?

It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are thoroughly alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger after them. -George Eliot

I need some vacation

Madaming tumatakbo sa isip ko.. lalo na kung may sitwasyon na gusto mong kausapin yung taong espesyal sa iyo pero walang paraan para makausap mo siya.. lalo na kung minsan gusto mong malaman ang sagot sa mga tanong na hindi mo alam papano aalisin sa utak mo kasi yung taong gusto mong makausap yung makakasagot lang. Lungkot na lungkot ako ngayon, madali na akong maapektuhan ng mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. dati naman magaan lang kung aking harapin o tanggapin ang mga nangyayari sa araw araw. ngayon, parang ang bigat bigat dalhin kung may bagay na dumating sa akin sabihin man nating maliit o malaki. Pagod na ako sa kakaisip at kakaalala ng mga araw na maaaring dumating sa buhay ko. gusto ko sana na magbakasyon sa malayong lugar. gusto ko sa lugar na walang nakakakilala sa akin, tumawa man ako o umiyak walang makikialam. Para kasing wala na akong makikilalang makakaunawa sa mga kahinaan ko, sa mga pagkukulang ko at sa mga problema ko. Nakakasakit ng damdamin na ang taong inaasahan mong makakaunawa at magmamahal sa iyo, siya pa ang bibitaw at iiwas sa iyo. Mabuti sana kung hindi kami nagkasundo o nakapangakong magtutulungan at mag-aalalayan sa oras ng pagsubok. Nakakapanghinayang na maaaring isang araw, hindi na siya ang taong nakilala at nakasama mo kahapon. Natatakot ako na, isang araw, nagsasawa na siya sa aking mga kahinaan at pagkukulang. Marahil, pabigat na lang akong maituturing sa kanya. Lalo na kung nasanay na lang akong sa kanya dumaing o magsabi ng mga problema. Natatakot ako na hindi na pala niya ibig na makasama ako sa hinaharap. Nakakalungkot kasi hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam kung kailangan pa rin niya ako. -----

Nakakainis

ang layo na nga natin sa isa't isa ganyan ka pa. hayz :/

killing myself to sleep

tonight, I never feel incomplete like this before. :(

I never know what will I do to move on from this feeling of loneliness tonight. Sometimes, I really wish you will be at my side, comfort me and let me realize that its just another ordinary day. It's hard to pretend that Im ok, when I know inside of me, there's something missing.

what I wanted was you just have to make me feel I was still a part of your everyday routine, no matter how far we are apart. I know Im beginning to be selfish for us, but I dont understand why I feel so alone lately. I cant put my mind at ease, I feel so bad.

I know I need to conclude this day of my life at the least and I pray tomorrow will be different.

I wish that sometimes you drop a goodnight kiss for me before ending your day. :(

alone again naturally

I happen to find myself on a bus going to a distant land. When I arrived, I find everything is different around me except for one thing.

Im alone.

Here I am again, decided to walk along the remaining distance used to be another ride by a jeep. Nothing is new. I think, I will just walk off and then all the sadness in my heart will be gone. But that wouldn't work. Im still alone.

I never thought I will be like this again, longing for someone I never thought I will care for. Am I being missed too? Ouch, I said before I will never fall in love again. But then my heart starts beating again. Am I hopeless already?

After I did my business in this far away land, many things came to my mind. But when summarized, I hope it will be me and you in the end.

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I miss being missed dearly. :(

parang may kulang

matagal na rin palang walang bagong post dito. pano ba naman, masyado maraming gustong gawin sa buhay...

hayz. nakakapagod ang isang araw kapag pakiramdam mo may kulang. dumaan ang maghapon, nagawa ang dapat gawin para mabuhay,.. kumain, matulog, tumulong sa bahay, tumambay, etc., pero may kulang.

nakakainis isipin, kung minsan may kasama ka pero hindi mo alam kung kasama ka nga nya.
kung minsan nakakalunos isipin na wala kang magagawang anuman sa isang bagay na tila nakatakda na sa hinaharap. ngunit mapangyayaring maiba kung may makakasama ka.

sana makilala mo ako bilang isang kasama mo.

You dont realize how much...

I need you.

I dont really know why Im feeling so afraid and so weak this day. Its like wanting to see into the wind and feeling its teeth. :(

I saw birds fly and glide with the wind this morning, I found it enchanting though incomplete. As when strong winds came, they scattered.

I hope if we fly and turn against the air, you are with me even if its means landing backwards.

because I realize how much...

I need you.

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Im going to find my girl, gonna hold her tight.
I will make it right, just need her say alright.
I will ring bells so to make us remember
That Im her boy and she's my girl.

My own personal brand of heroin

I arrived late as usual, but unlike in the past, I exerted effort not to be late. but then like in the past, sigh, time was always not with me. It always runs faster than normal, sprints harder than usual. sigh again.

And so we met secretly as it may seem but without doubt or worry that someone will find us. Ofcourse, we prepared escape routes and memorized lines in case others, be it he or she, caught us sharing time together. mmmmm. At least for me.

I found her trying a dress that's something new or maybe new in my eyes, she looked gorgeous when she tried it on, I can only smile because when I arrived at the scene I felt the saleslady on her side did a full antivirus scan on me. Is it a safe application? Is it malware or trojan? waaaa. I can only smile. And I like to answer, yes im safe (with a stiff tagalog tone) noh, and Im a compiler. So leave before I issue a critical error message, noh. hehehe.

As planned we go out to watch fireworks display. I think I only had few wows and awes when we are watching it. I admit I also watched her react to the booms and bangs. peace tayo. I never imagine I will be with her at this moment of my masochistic life. Its like a drug to me. Its like my own personal brand of heroin. naks. syempre katulad ng ibang nobela, kailangan mabanggit ang pamagat.

Then we bought movie tickets, shopped to the max (as in...) and stopped at wendy's to take out food we will devour, hahaha, at the cinema. The order line was lightyears long and almost took the joy away from us. Glad thing, we both infect each other smiles that made the long wait... well, shorter at the least.

So, hours passed and poof! I find myself conscious again. The movie was good and funny at times. Found some quotable lines appropriate for the night, for me and for both of us... yeah! its the vampire premise, muhahaha! "No, not the moats!", and also.. "oh, you do smell good." and "what if.. Im the bad guy."

Finally, we walked together and chat. and I can only smile. :)

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I felt the need to open my heart and let her know me, how critical Iam and how terminal my disease was. So that she can give the proper treatment for my broken heart.