My own personal brand of heroin

I arrived late as usual, but unlike in the past, I exerted effort not to be late. but then like in the past, sigh, time was always not with me. It always runs faster than normal, sprints harder than usual. sigh again.

And so we met secretly as it may seem but without doubt or worry that someone will find us. Ofcourse, we prepared escape routes and memorized lines in case others, be it he or she, caught us sharing time together. mmmmm. At least for me.

I found her trying a dress that's something new or maybe new in my eyes, she looked gorgeous when she tried it on, I can only smile because when I arrived at the scene I felt the saleslady on her side did a full antivirus scan on me. Is it a safe application? Is it malware or trojan? waaaa. I can only smile. And I like to answer, yes im safe (with a stiff tagalog tone) noh, and Im a compiler. So leave before I issue a critical error message, noh. hehehe.

As planned we go out to watch fireworks display. I think I only had few wows and awes when we are watching it. I admit I also watched her react to the booms and bangs. peace tayo. I never imagine I will be with her at this moment of my masochistic life. Its like a drug to me. Its like my own personal brand of heroin. naks. syempre katulad ng ibang nobela, kailangan mabanggit ang pamagat.

Then we bought movie tickets, shopped to the max (as in...) and stopped at wendy's to take out food we will devour, hahaha, at the cinema. The order line was lightyears long and almost took the joy away from us. Glad thing, we both infect each other smiles that made the long wait... well, shorter at the least.

So, hours passed and poof! I find myself conscious again. The movie was good and funny at times. Found some quotable lines appropriate for the night, for me and for both of us... yeah! its the vampire premise, muhahaha! "No, not the moats!", and also.. "oh, you do smell good." and "what if.. Im the bad guy."

Finally, we walked together and chat. and I can only smile. :)

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I felt the need to open my heart and let her know me, how critical Iam and how terminal my disease was. So that she can give the proper treatment for my broken heart.

april update 1

sad lines

sometime in the past, i read a poem made by Pablo Neruda. after absorbing each lines, i inspired to reflect it on my own way, that was last year ago or wait.. maybe last 2 years ago. i did some edit, though its still a draft, im afraid i will not be able to put my own style if i keep editing it. here is my sad lines posted on a date of its latest edit.

unang paglipad

i wanted to cover what happen on my trip in Region 7 here, my trip there was once in a lifetime for me, hehe. my counter of everything that is first, soared when i adventured there, haha. but due to some extreme changes that affected my life, i only made one draft of what happen on my first day, waa, bakit nga ba. anyway, i hope i can bring back the feeling if i get time to reminisce it.

inhale.. exhale..

its a different day today. i woke up this morning having some difficulty breathing. i don't know if it was caused by the awkward position during my sleep. i thought it will be gone after a few hours, but until now, it made me feel uneasy and weak. yung feeling na akala mo ay nagkaroon ka ng break up sa bf/gf mo. i can feel my chest contracts too much whenever i exhale.

here in my work, i cant continue my workload for the day since, im preoccupied to concentrate on my breathing. aw, it feels like im ready to die anytime.

anyway, this day was indeed different. i need to rest and forget this feeling.

sad lines

ala Neruda ... whack!

i write tonight, behind the moon, there are stars in the sleeping sky.
i look up and stare to the shivering stars singing along with the night like whispers in the wind.

tonight i write the lines, i miss the time i spend alone staring at stars like your eyes.
i hear tears fall as whispers in the melody.
through nights like this i felt her in my arms
i memorized and memorized the light of her smile

i write the lines, i loved her. she sometimes loved me too.
to know that i do not have her, to feel that soon it will be over.
though miles away, i can see her through.
my heartbeat duets with the stars i watch, i stare.

i write the lines, she loved me sometimes and i loved her.
boundless is the night and endless is the song.
we can be together in dreams.
ending the music on a slowly fade like stars.

i saw the star you picked to represent us.
same stars above the night wind burst.
my eyes escape in the dream without her.
she is not with me though my heart is touching her.

i stare at the night without her
the night that we are not the same.

i no longer loved her, but i know how much.
i can write the saddest lines of tonight though my tears is just starting.
because night with stars like this i held her dear
forgetting is too long to bear.

"Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her."

no sugar

hmm, i've become a pretender these past couple of weeks, i know i still need a heart transplant and a kidney donor to make it three. i hope it will make me more bato (harder) and newer for the days to come. i miss my bed more often now, although i prefer to sleep on my banig. i become lazy too. hmm, i sounded like im confident for my slow life here. anyway, before my random thought stops whistling random expression, i shall type as fast as i can to catch it up. i remember from one of the seminars i attended about being an executive, before you made a speech or do a presentation or write a letter, you should condition yourself, begin to imagine yourself inside the situation and write how ideas .. thoughts come in front of your senses. then make your first draft, edit it then edit it again for the final output. i remember all you can also have a friend edit it for you. aw!

but i will not do that here. this place lets me express on my own little ways how random my weak side is that is thoughts. yeh, personal thoughts.

ahh, this time i made a title first before going for its content. now, staring at the topic i made is like putting a gun on my head, but im assured that it has no bullet, hehe. going back from the topic, i first intended to post that i will refrain from going too deep discussing about my blood pressure and my heart problems. i will stay away from putting more bandages on my stitches and burns i had anymore, i pray. aside from this reason (usually unacceptable), this is the song that plays in the background this cold sunday morning...

no sugar! .. you are my candy girl and you got me wanting you..

just give me one more chance to make it right

i felt lost and incomplete. three vacant days passed and all i did is sit on a couch watching vcds that i rented. i felt time is against me, that i cant find a way to speed it up or skip every tick i was about to spend this weekend.

though, there is one movie i like to remember before i retire today. its about the spirit of a girl who is trying to find his past. ahh, i cant write a good synopsis so here is the title of the movie 'just like heaven'. the movie is romantic and opposes my general feeling this month, lol. anyway, it changed my mood. the story is romantic and comedic enough to inspire me to be a little less moody. again again. the story is romantic and comedic... enough.

before i retire, i received a goodnight sign... that i will see a bright c and u tomorrow. :)

what's forever for

it was a moonless night when i walk home from the reddish land of pines. back in the past when i promised myself to return at this very spot, i saw myself knowing that you will one day return to me, believing i will wait for you. this very moment, i saw myself again believing you will glimpse outside to shed some light for our love.

looking back over the years, even though reasonable things forced you to find someone better, i believe that was not how we part. following events tried to give me painful good-bye right then, all my tears faded. was the world as dazzling before i met you? all im left with were tears. now, it reminds me again of the past. i will save this place next to me.

as i walk away, from your place... i can't help but to cry. i wished its not yet over. this is not how we part.

you are the only reason...
that waiting gives me enough happiness.

forgive me...
or maybe its me that's gone crazy.

love is the only reason... as days pass by,
if you forget the long way back to me, i'll be waiting silently.

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so what's the glory in living
doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore
and if love never last forever
tell me, what's forever for

We were dreamers

i will change the way i look here. i plan to stand again in this sphere without fear of losing something or someone, again (na naman!). this past couple of months, i realize that i lose more than i gain. my fear of losing someone got me on the situation of losing her in the end. that's not it, i was the one to be blamed and for the life of me, i cant shout! How is that?

now, to be able to say that im trying to make a single step, at least, for the people around me... i will have a new scheme in posting something here.

i remember back when the forefathers of my ancient minds got to meet and established the constitution, three names arises in the background.

Stephen...
Larry...
and Tequila

In a world of peaceful imaginations, silent nights, and white snow, Stephen knew there was always someone, Someone he could trust. believing to unseen hands that can calm any storms. Tequila on the other hand, numb of all things that go his way for nearly every occasion, always have something to do extraordinary, unresponsive but has a lot of surprises to shock you, how is that. lastly Larry! if you cant speak Tagalog, im sorry. He is the romantic antagonist of every tragedy plays. romantic? -do i need to explain. antagonist? -indeed coz the protagonist usually dies in a tragedy, i dont like that. what will he be if he's dead. Larry promise someone that waiting makes him happy or at least completes the twist of every tragedy.

for...

Tragedy usually is a series of unfortunate outcome that is caused by an unexpected change or mistake of some kind.

Angel

First you say you wont, then you say you will
You keep me hanging on, and we're not moving on
I'm standing still, you got me on my knees.

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I called someone last night and this songs plays in the background. Keeping the mood more subtle. I wish I can be with her but she will not believe it.